6. GOT GOT by a strange knight?
They write a few songs, make a few movies about things like this, ranging from the serious level of 'Dancing with a Stranger' to “Sleeping with an enemy”. But tonight, turn to your partner while he's sleeping and just observe him. Observe him with his mask down. Do you know that man? The goal is for happy homes, so don't let your overthoughts' grab that baton and run. It's just a way to get you to pause and do something about it if you find anything there, and for those that are sleeping next to soon-to-be husbands, which I don’t advise, but I know happens, so for those that do... heed these words sis.
Today
It’s a little awkward on the phone. And I'm wrestling with some demons in my head. I've said a few times to Smoo that I'm struggling to remember who we were/are. The actual persons we were our whole relationship. As individuals. I just remember the feelings. Me feeling safe with him. No doubt about his love for me. Cared for and secure in him. He truly was just a really, really nice guy. But looking back, there were in fact a few things my intuition raised, but as soon as I noticed them, I lowered them right back down. Chalking it up to past trauma. And that was something Smoo influenced - he emphasised that I was scared and had high walls up. On reflection, I think that's normal though, caution, and not just for someone with experiences such as mine. Anyway, at first, I was impressed and thought myself so lucky for this man ‘seeing’ me and wanting to kiss down my walls, then it became the problem. One of the issues we encountered was vulnerability. When we met, Smoo ‘appeared’ to wear his heart on his sleeve. In our first conversation off Hinge, he was quick to bring up Brené Brown and 'Daring Greatly,' and ironically, he and I were re-reading it at his suggestion when he cheated on me.
Pause for dark thoughts.
Moving on. So, because of the 'let yourself be seen,' women-loving talk, your girl GOT GOT. If i’m honest, from time to time i worry now that he may be one of those guys who loves to love a woman, is fascinated by us, like an art collector who needs to keep adding to his collection to stay inspired. Heed this.
Pause again for dark thoughts.
In any case, I had simply never dated a man who had a vocabulary for feelings, and when he showed he had the capacity to handle mine, i GOT GOT more. Now, looking back, his desire to take care of me and ‘force’ my vulnerability may have been an amber flag. Amber-red? A distraction where he is the knight in shining armour that saves the woman he loves from her past wounds, receives love back, adoration, and respect. Distracting her with all that good intention to ensure vulnerability is not required of himself. One of the things my intuition flagged was why he never talked about his needs… He was all about serving me, and it was very imbalanced. Ladies, watch out for this. Even knights have needs, secret or not, and if they do everything they can not to share them, there is a high chance there is something under that rock. Turn it over. Now! Because nobody can be a saviour forever, not in a marriage. Fake vulnerability ruins everything; it is deceptive, and you're not going to want to play damsel all your life.
For us, problems started when I began demanding i feel and understand more of him; he was uncomfortable with that, said he was content just ‘serving’. And the less I was content being served by a stranger, the more he resented that I wouldn’t just accept the ‘help’. Then the talk of insurmountable walls started; it was no longer 'I’ll help you bring them down,' it felt more like 'you better bring those walls down, and fast.' Giving slight whiffs of Red Pill (though, if i’m being fair i wouldn’t categorise Smoo this way).
Where are we now? I know he's not exactly who either of us thought he was. Some insecurities are at work perhaps. I think he gaslit me, a lot! The question now is whether he can admit to this, and if he's open to having his ‘niceness’ and authenticity examined more closely by someone who’s already had a peak behind the mask. Time will tell.
