2. Share in my shame.
There is something magical about giving your words life and committing them to paper. The words stand unopposed, memoralised as truth, for that moment at least. But there is also something disheartening about reading these words over and realizing that they should have stood opposed. That you should not have been as frivolous with your thoughts. You should have mused for the future too. Maybe hoped a little less.
Today.
That happened to me today. I was looking through videos of Smoo and I, early days when I thought I knew what this was. Searching his profile for cracks, trying to find any little warning signs that I might have missed. And checking for my own bright neon sign flashing ‘CAREFUL!’.
Then I stumbled across something else. A letter I once wrote to a friend in the eve of her ‘big day’. And my stomach churned. Read it with me…
Dear Friend,
I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I love writing it for you.
While I am no expert in this area, I have learned a great deal through my lacking. I will not speak to marriage as much as I will speak to life when you invite another into your most familiar space.
Here are a “few” of the most important things I take away from my experiences with life and love. Most you may know, the rest we can discuss over some bubbly, but I hope this letter serves you well on your journeys through self and love:
Do not let the world distract you from the intangible yet most important things in life.
Compromise always builds, except when the compromise subtracts from your connection with God. He was your first true love before your conception; guard that connection with your life.
Do not be a slave to fear, be bold and transparent with your heart’s desires. You have every birthright to live authentically and without obstacle to self.
Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until you face it.
Never make any decisions from a place of weakness or fear. Instead stop. Wait. Apply your intuition, which is linked to your connection with God. He always unfolds clarity just when you think you can no longer go on without it.
Be flexible with the people around you, especially your husband. People will change, as will you, many times in one lifetime. Make room and preparation for this in your heart.
Honesty comes before trust, which comes before intimacy. There are no skipping steps.
God will allow you to be tested in life, and like any good teacher, until you pass the test; he will continue to allow it to be given. So always check in, reflect, tweak and re-sit. When your focus and motivations are in the right place, mountains will become like grains of sand (sometimes God want US to do the things we have been asking him to do).
Be gentle with your love, it is hard to separate man from actions or words…but a person can love you deeply with their feelings and still not know how to love you correctly with their actions. Pray for him ceaselessly and let your spirit and not your mind measure his actions.
With problems treat the root not the leaves.
Be careful with your words, they are painful and enduring, a penalty will always be paid for them. The only true control you have over anything is your reaction to it. Be mindful of this.
A house divided against itself WILL not stand. Do not let differences and disagreements go unchecked and unresolved. An earthquake starts with one quiver.
Anger and bitterness are insatiable animals, they feed off your self-worth and fears and will only make withdrawals from your identity. They are ALWAYS the easier and most natural choice, but also the most expensive.
Remember, the things that hurt you, change you.
As a woman, protect your view of self. Be your own advocate too. You must know and defend your worth; that is your covenant with yourself.
Find yourself outside and within any relationship. Do not let one person do all the hard work of knowing you, rather than you know yourself. Two halves don’t make a whole, only two wholes do.
Lastly, love is a beautiful and scarce opportunity. Treasure it, guard it and be thankful for it. Go to the grave empty and leave it all on love’s field.
I wish you all the feels and happiness in your marriage. I am so proud of you two…
Love you,
Beaf.
Now I sit here humbled by lived experience. Looking back, I'm starting to wonder whether to heed my own counsel or question it. After all I've been through, some of it feels like just words—nice to say but hard to live by. What really works in life? Specifically, I'm trying to figure out if "leaving everything on love's turf" means abandoning cart and includes leaving the man that hurt you in it. Should I focus on the parts of my advice that help me stay true to myself, or the parts that are about keeping a love that might not be certain? Is it time to adjust or grieve what I thought he was, what I wanted, and the version of me that loved so freely—and then find a way to truly let go and move forward together?
