3. Nothing lands.

Today.

Today, I was in an emotional deathroll, and I don’t see a way out. I was throwing question after question at God, but ultimately, I want to know ‘Why me?’. Shocker right. People love to say that it’s not about me, but real talk, can it really be anything but? There are men who can't imagine life without the woman they love, who wouldn't do anything to lose her. There are some who don’t even get tempted. So why do I specifically end up with people who don’t even consider me something to fear losing or hurting? They must justify it somehow, and in all rationality, I cannot subtract myself from that calculation.

It reminded me of something tragic.

D'ex used to do a thing. He would always walk a few paces ahead of me, and at a speed he knew I couldn’t keep up with. I’m a shortie. Every time, I pretended not to notice, but it messed me up, man. I knew he had a festering contempt for me, but I had too much pride to let him know how it made me feel. I have this feeling, a strong one, that Smoo feels the same contempt, maybe to a lesser degree, less obvious, but it was there before everything happened. I could sense it on him. In a moment of desperation, I sought confirmation, hoping he'd reassure me, tell me I was just being paranoid. So, I was brave and asked him if he even liked me — but he dodged giving me a straight answer. Eventually, I gave up on questioning and just laid it out for him, I wanted him to know that I knew. To give him some credit, I was pretty close to falling apart when I confronted him, so perhaps his silence was a mercy, sparing me from hearing what he truly felt.

Now, when he says he loves me, it's failing to land. I'm struggling to say it back, not because I don’t feel that for him, but because I am not sure he really feels it for me (even if he currently believes it), and I can't be complicit in something uncertain anymore. Keeping quiet feels like a way to protect myself. Because if he's not sincere about liking or loving me now, how will it be when I'm further broken? If I ignore these doubts and keep saying 'I love you' back, I risk getting deeply hurt and ending up with even less of myself. When my spine has no integrity left, and I can't even hold myself up to be a partner to him? What’s left to love there. Surely that dignity is precious, no matter how false it is. Even if it’s not much, it feels important to keep. Maybe it can tide me over, and might just help me hold on until I can figure things out and find myself again.

Sorry, I'm struggling to find a way out of the dark right now.

Allow me my pity party.

I even asked Jesus for a hug today and got angry with him when he didn’t supernaturally appear like all the Christ encounter testimonies I have been inhaling. I suspect the work he must do is beyond surface deep and is more than what could ever be healed by a hug. But I still need something from him. Soon. I'm praying, reading my word, and it gives me peace in moments, but I still feel a little hollow. Numb. I know he's here, so why won't he fill me up? Before this happened, I was on track with the Lord, and he wasn’t moving a few paces ahead of me either; he was right beside me, we kept pace together. On beat. I was growing, my spirit-man getting stronger every day, I was panting for his Word.

And.

Then.

This.

Why did he let this happen? Why did he tell me Smoo was what he had saved for me? Why do that to allow all of this? I know, I know. I'm being hard on God. My mum said Jesus went through so much worse, but I weep to say that that doesn’t land either.