4. Not the Aquamarine.
Have you ever given thought to the spiritual realm? For the better part of 36 years, I hadn't given it much thought. Then, I took a dive into micro-dosing, and everything went haywire.
CONTEXT.
Growing up in a strict traditional church environment, even the smallest things, like wearing leggings under my full length skirt or forgetting to remove nail polish on Friday nights before a weekend of church, felt like a sin. I resented it, the chains were tight, and the shame hot. So, when I finally tasted freedom at 16, I was off.
There's a funny story I once heard that resonated with me. It's about a man who wanted to protect his compound so he raised a fierce, vicious dog from a pup. He kept it chained up because he wanted it angry, and he didn’t want the smoke if it harmed someone. Nobody came near his property because this dog had a baritone with his bark (that’s just my spice). Then, one night, thieves entered his property, and the man unleashed the dog to teach these baddies a lesson. But instead of attacking the intruders, the dog bolted at them, and then right past them, racing towards its own liberation. Anyway, that tasty digression was to say I saw myself in that dog, biding my time until I could break free. So, at 16 I was off to school in Australia, and I was alone. Leaving the God I knew behind, I embarked on a journey to discover the God for me. It led to a world of hurt, leaving me teetering on lukewarm faith. Thankfully, after a tumultuous marriage, I began seeking God earnestly albeit in all the places he wasn’t - including manifesting, letting go and releasing my desires to the universe, hypnosis, inner child work, meditating, just being good, zen and humble, yada yada yada.
Then, I met Smoo, an adventurous soul eager to share his wisdom. And deep deeeeeep down I’m a sucker for submission and someone else to blame so I was like - SAY LESS! We ventured into micro-dosing, but a supernatural encounter shook me to my core. Fear sent me running back to God and YouTube, and gratefully, I haven't strayed since (with God that is).
It was a rough start, and my new convictions were as unyielding as those I fled when I was 16. I leaned into the God of judgement, spiritual warfare, consecration and holiness. However, my newfound zeal clashed with my husband's beliefs. He was not down with this new program. He values open mindedness and adventure, and I mirrored that when we met - so he felt manipulated and betrayed. He also communicated that he felt judged, stifled by my convictions, and trapped by who I was becoming. He says that his desperation for autonomy led him to dark places. The jury is still out on that one. Anyway, he reconnects with an old flame (who turned out to somewhat overlap with the start of our relationship). I guess to him she was the carefree babe he wanted, and hiding our marriage (heavy side-eye) he suggested they start a two-man ‘book club’. Their discussions veered into African spirituality, ungodly ceremonies with dead grandmothers, and strange teas that stirred desires. And even though his physical attraction to her breaks me, it’s the spiritual infidelity that terrifies me. If not grounded in God, and i couldn't rely on him to be spiritually faithful, what foundation did our marriage stand on? I believed it was God, we agreed on that. If he actually never believe that, then what do I grip onto when I'm slipping, who will protect me, counsel me? Who do I follow when I'm lost?
Today
Then in a conversation with my sister today, she expressed exhaustion with the fear mongering of deliverance preachers, tired of constantly being on guard against threats from the spiritual realm. She said if it’s not the ‘aquamarine’ to fear, there’s always something else. She meant the ‘marine kingdom’, and I found that hilarious. I couldn't help but feel responsible for introducing this fear into her life though, my passion often blinding me to the consequences of my beliefs. Like my mother, I wield fear as a shield, mistakenly believing it offers safety to me and my loved ones. In my quest for spiritual clarity, I inadvertently dragged them all along, and I can admit that at moments I was judgmental and disconnected as a wife. Smoo, scarred by his own experiences of religious oppression, sought sovereignty at any cost. However, he was so preoccupied battling me for his freedom that he failed to notice the enemy quietly slink Jezebellian chains around his ankles. He even contorted himself to give him better access. I still find myself judging him harshly for this, not only because I had warned him to stay alert, but also because I had hoped he would become the spiritual cornerstone of our family. Given everything, that may be too much to expect, for now at least. But is this an unfair ask altogether?
God I pray for the strength to navigate what comes next without resentment. Remove from me this spirit of fear and confusion that comes from everything I consumed. If it is a season for silence and recalibration, please Father let that be known to me. Heal everything that I have caused through my careless words and actions, and anoint my tongue with your wisdom.
Shalom.
